It’s been a damn bizarre year, and this weekend upped the ante to another level. It didn’t dawn on me the day I was going to be in for when I was sitting at the hotel breakfast buffet Saturday morning and saw shoe suede blues wander in and make a beeline for the coffee, then sit down at the table next to us. No… it took Peter Tork wandering in 20 minutes later to grab a bowl of granola before I fully realized I had landed once again on Planet Bizarro.*

I could try to write a concert review, or a set list, or about every anal detail of the meet and greet, but all that stuff feels a bit too raw right now, and in any case I was a little too distracted to take notes. Let’s just say that it was one of the best shows I’ve been to in my life, and by far the most meaningful.  So I’m just going to rattle off some ambient feelings that are echoing through my noggin.

I feel grateful, almost embarrassed, that Peter played the song Cin requested for Anissa. I gather that was something of a breach of policy, so don’t ask, folks. (We, or at least I, didn’t know that)

I feel sad that the mob was too bad to thank him properly at the meet and greet, and the kindest thing we could do was take a photo quickly and get out of his hair.

I feel lucky that I got to sing along to “I’m a Believer” with my husband and best friend Kevin holding my hand, and both happy and relieved that he enjoyed the show almost as much as I did.

I feel jealous and angry at myself that I missed so many concerts my friends went to over the years, due to geography. In fact, this was actually my first SSB show. I’m keeping my fingers crossed it won’t be the last.

I feel angry at myself that other things took precedence for so many years, and it took such a huge shock to the system to make me remember how much I valued those old friends.

I feel okay with those priorities too, as in general I’m damn happy with the life I built, and am looking forward to returning to a slightly tweaked version of it.

I feel a bit tempted to move closer to Ohio, though, if I can talk Kevin into a move.

And yes, I feel unsure what the passing of this hundred days of Weirdness implies for Fandomlenses going forward. It was born out of my attempts to make something good come of my grief, but I’m not quite sure what that is, and how it fits in the context of the rest of my life.

While I’ve been inclined this way since I got A Manufactured Image for Christmas in 1987, I feel more strongly than ever that you could not PAY me enough money to be famous, beyond a base level of notoriety in my own professional field. A weekend of the (relatively mild) nonsense I observed, and I’d be gibbering off in a corner somewhere.

I feel glad that I was able to slip Peter a thank you card for the various things he’s meant to me over the last 25 years, and I feel both hopeful and petrified that he might have read it.

I feel lucky that I got to hang out with Arnold and Joe at the bar for a bit after the show, even though Kevin and I were so beat that we turned in early (i.e. midnight).  They are awesome, funny, and outgoing guys, and definitely make sure you strike up a conversation with them if you ever get the chance.

I feel relieved that I managed to get through the weekend without making an ass of myself.

As Colonel Potter once said, for the first time since May, “I feel sick and tired of Doris Day”, and I’m going to be hitting skip a bit more on my ipod the next few weeks.

I feel like I’ll politely but thoroughly dismantle the arguments of the next 5-10 entitled fans who have the temerity to make ad hominem attacks on Peter in my presence. Is he perfect? No. Is he a damn sight better person than I (or most anyone I know) would be in his shoes? Yes. So be warned, I have half a Ph.D and am NOT afraid to use it.

And I’ll end with one thing I don’t feel. I don’t feel bad that Anissa wasn’t there. Because you see, between the owls everywhere, our appallingly good seats, the hotel coincidence, and a bunch of other stuff that I have trouble even verbalizing, it was obvious she was there every bit as much as we were, and gleefully messing with our heads all the way. I’m well aware of the mind’s abilities to ascribe to the supernatural what can adequately be explained by coincidence and heightened awareness of same. However, when it comes to some sort of existence after death, the last few months, and the last few days especially, sometimes make me wonder if there might be a bit more in heaven and earth than I’d dreamt in my philosophy.

Even if you’re just in my head…I love you sis, and we’ll see you in November.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

*not much to report aside from that, and even if there were, I wouldn’t be saying.